"I guess it's back to the Ozarks for this bumpkin".
This week on The 700 Club, things were looking bleak for capital H, I, M’s chosen pawn until Poker Face Julie arrived on Temptation Island and threw off the Lord of the Flies existence that had been working so well for Jesus Jones and Army Pete. The arrival of a female meant that the boys had to tidy up around the camp and run a crab claw through their hair. Army Pete refused to shave, Jesus Jones refused to stop crying and Princess Beatrix wore a crazy hat, instantly establishing herself as the Lady Gaga of the monarchy. Posh Spice wore her traditional potato sack and Becks stayed home, opting for Ricky Gervaises’s hat-hating, stunt double to fill in for him.
Do I even need to tell you how things went down at the Redemption Island styrofoam arena? The contestant without a penis (Julie) was sent to the Jury Pool and life returned to its moapy normality for Jesus Jones and Armt Pete.
Back on The Real Dirtbags Of Fartpatch Cove, Philip (if you think he is crazy you are a racist) spent some more time chatting with his spirit guides, who told him where his shorts were hidden. Philip reclaimed his nasty trunks and kept the rock they were hidden under for a foot rest. Philip took the high road with his shorts and was a good sport about the whole thing. Haha, that didn’t happen. He was actually a predictable nut-rash about it all and used the finding of shorts incident to further cement his role of dick-head/insane panties wearer.
Aside from Philip communing with fashion forward ancestors, life at camp was very predictable for the castaways. The old guy tried a new tactic for making people not vote him off and tried to fool people into thinking he had lost his zest for the game and wanted to go home. Nobody bought it. One of the ladies, admited that she felt bad for Jesus Jones and instantly put a huge target on her back for Boston Rob and the world’s deadliest hippie – Grant.
The immunity challenge was an old Survivor classic, the log jam, where contestants went head to head on a spinning log for a game of King Of The Mountain. Everyone performed exactly as you would expect them too except Missing Link Ralph, who did really well and almost won. Unfortunately, Ralph’s abundant body hair weighed him down and he lost the final round to Grant. Side note, Grant looks like he probably smelled before day one of Survivor but that’s just me stereotyping hippies. I’m sure somewhere in the world there is a Neo-Hippie that showers every day but I’ve never met him or her so I’ll keep stereotyping.
So Grant won and Jeff Probes got everyone hot under the ring-around-the-collar by throwing a gift-wrapped package to the gang and telling them that they couldn’t open it until Tribal. B.Rthur (Boston Rob), guessed that the package meant that the players would be voting off two loved ones and quickly marshalled the troops with a plan of who to vote off. BR was correct and Tribal turned into one of those entire week’s worth of episodes in a few minutes that they always do on Big Brother. In the end, the last two members of the Zapos tribe were sent walking to Redemption Island with their hobo packs in hand and life went on for the remaining castaways of the Merlot tribe. Next week should prove to be somewhat dicey as the bffs are forced to vote off one of their own. Until then, enjoy the comforts of home and rest easy knowing that you can brush your teeth whenever you want.
